Erin Ruffin’s Weblog

Because sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do just to get through the day.

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Emails on September 4th, 2008.

Me:

Do you like Brooklyn Pale Ale?  I got some last night thinking it would be a nice easy beer to drink.  GROSS.  I almost puked.

So you can have it if you like it.

Otherwise we’ll just leave them in the fridge because I guess it’s the right thing to have Brooklyn beer in the fridge, you know?

Caroline:

well, i’ll have to taste-test a few, of course, to make sure it was a good batch and that I still like them.
If nothing else though, it can keep the Coors Light company.

Caroline again:

Do you purposefully choose Courier New as your signature email typeface?
Or just for today maybe?

Me:

Yeah I changed it to courier new for a couple weeks.

Next stop on this Type Train: Verdana.

Caroline:

I just looked for you on facebook, but you weren’t there.

Me:

What’s Facebook?

Caroline:

it’s for former pageant queens and runners-up.

Me:

Why the hell am I not on it, then?

Caroline:

that’s what I’ve been SAYIN’!

Me:

For my profile pic, can you take a Holga picture of me in my pageant dress with my sache and crown?

Caroline:

yes. i promise promise.

Me:

Standing in front of a cream satin backdrop, please.
Caroline:

cream satin looks best with your skin.

Me:

That’s what the former Miss. North Dakota from 1987 told me.
Caroline:

well, she was right for your skin tone.
and a beauty in her day.
she has taken a turn for the worse (beauty-wise) lately, though I don’t like to be the one to gossip.

Me:

Yeah ever since that (sigh) botox-gone-wrong job…she just hasn’t been the same.

And her 10 kids with a truck driver.  I mean what’s she trying to say?

Caroline:

her as a child…

Me:

Yes. Yes. that’s her.

What a sad sad story.

Explanation of Benefits
I have never understood this document.  It comes to me through the mail in a very official-looking envelope.  The return address is my health insurance provider and it shows up after I’ve had a doctor’s appointment.  A million things run through my mind like: maybe they’re writing to say I have a fatal illness.  Or maybe they’re writing an “Oops!  We accidentally covered too much of the bill at your last doctor’s appointment.  Please remit payment for $598,340 at your earliest convenience.”   This document scares me to death because written across it every-which-way are massive dollar amounts.  Some are in parentheses, which might mean it’s a negative amount or it could mean the company is just having a little inside joke with me.  Some dollar amounts are in bold, some are underlined, and some are italicized.  My eyes dart back and forth across the pages and sweat forms on my brow.  I need to sit down.  I can’t pay this amount of money.  What are they trying to do to me?

Then I see it.  I see the disclosure.  “This is not a bill.”

THEN WHAT IS IT?  Is it just a little notice of bragging rights?  “Look how much we did for you?  Look at how much of your over-priced standard physical exam we covered for you!”  Thanks, Mr. Health Insurance.  Thanks for weakening my heart and expanding my ulcer and causing me to get on the phone with my doctor to set up another appointment to get these symptoms you just worsened checked out.  I appreciate all of your hard work.